We had the boys sleep over on Friday. Mick texted me about the time I was getting off work and asked if all the kids could sleep over...I thought she was kidding! But she wasn't and I actually told her no, that I wasn't up to that. Preslie and Hayden still don't sleep through the night. I was soooo ready for a good night sleep and the sleep in without an alarm! The boys slept til 9am..thanks boys! That was awesome! We didn't do much...weather still too cold. They brought their ramp and they played outside with the bikes, scooter and skateboards till it was just too plain cold. Then we had rootbeer floats and watched Dennis the Menace. Talan didn't like it...the scarry man "creeps me out gramma!"....like he's going to jump right out of the movie! Saturday they went to Shawn and Chris soccer game with Grampa while I spend some time with Karen & Dale. Shawn & Ang came over for dinner and to watch 4 hours of soccer....but no luck with the Real game being on TV, so just 2 hours. Ang played the beautician she is and braided Payson's hair into cornrolls....he was tough, cause that hurts. And of course Talan couldn't be left out. Ang did him a due too! Ang will be a great Mom someday, but today's she's an awesome Aunt! She's always doing fun things to Kallie's hair! It wasn't a real exciting weekend, just a quiet one spent with family. That's the best though isn't it! I treasure all those times, whether it's a sleep over or just a few hours of chillaxin as the kids call it!

Visit from Sis...

Karen & Dale came into town to work on getting a business off the ground. Saturday they stopped by so we could go see Mom together. Mom's continuing to deteriorate....Dale, the daytime nurse at Crossland told Linda on Friday that he gives Mom about 3 weeks.... why 3...I don't know....don't know what to think about any of it, but I do know that each time I see her, there's a change. Since Christmas she has lost the ability to feed herself. It's as if she doesn't understand the concept of taking the food to her mouth. If handed the cup, she will basically just throw it all over you, or swat you with it, so we're sure to keep it out of her reach as we feed her. They feed her pureed food from a cup and have to remind her to swallow. Honestly...this makes me crazy. Why do we do this...is it really humane...or is it the body trying to say, enough already...I'm done! They don't force feed her, she will open her mouth and partake...I guess when she doesn't do that we'll stop...I guess! There will be no feeding tubes. They have had to suction her 3 times this past week. Dale says it's because she forgets to swallow and allows her own saliva to build up, then she chokes on it, kind of like drowning. EEWWEE! I stopped by on Friday on my way home from work. The hospice aide just arrived to sponge bathe her. I told her to go ahead with her duty and I watched. Something I could have done without! I saw her bare feet for the first time in a long while...her toe nails were like long fingernails, and yellow and her feet are discolored...the best way to describe them...like they were dead! The nurse says this is another sign of end of life, the body's blood circulation works toward the center of the body instead of the extremities. She has two open sores on her bottom that the aide showed me as well...another sight I could have down without. I asked for it....but man...the way the body deteriorates...another EWEEE! Mom doesn't look at us much, and when she does, she really isn't looking at us...seeing right past us. Wish I could see what she sees! I ask myself daily...what am I learning from this besides the fact that I'm not in charge and it's all about the Lord's time, not mine! It's not fair and it makes me so sad to see her locked in this shell that only resembles a little bit of who she was! I try to show her that I love her, in spite of the fact that she's gone.....but honestly...this disease makes me mad! Why does she hang on so and Nathan has to go!

I hope Cancer gets Cancer and dies!

Update of Nathan...

Cancer has spread too far to remove...family has asked for privacy as they each try to adjust and swallow one of their most loved ones mortality. SIGH! My heart is so sad today! He is too strong and too young for this!

friends...

I've been looking for a specific picture that was taken of our good friends at one of our kids wedding. I can't find it...urrr! makes me so mad. I can picture exactly the one I'm thinking about and it's no where to be found!

Yesterday, I received a text from Mick...Mom- Natalie Pili has posted on facebook that her Dad, Nathan has pancreatic cancer...oh how my stomach just fell! That can't be! We're all young and kipper...you know...untouchable! That only happens to those that we don't know! I tried to call Julie when I got home and all I got was her voice mail. She was either busy..or just overwhelmed with what life had just dealt her. After I finished dinner, I told Rick, we need to go over there. Just the past couple of weeks I had really been thinking about them...not a worry or anything like that...just hey, I wonder how our friends the Pili's are doing, haven't seen them in awhile! Now I know why, and now I know that I need to listen to even those little whisperings!

Rick & I were nervous to head over there...really what do you say, other than hey, we love ya! Be tough and we're right here for you! That's enough isn't it, just to know your friends and loved one's are rallying around to pray and hope for you during one of the toughest battles you will ever fight! I'm so glad we did. Nathan was by himself while Julie was with Taylor for a bit. It gave Rick & Nathan more of a chance to visit and bond again as the close friends they have always been. He was his usual tough guy at first, I'm fine, he said, and showed us his manual of what is happening to his body. Rick asked him how Julie was holding up....he bowed his head and cried, couldn't speak..said, she's struggling! Can you imagine! We all cried! We said, hey..it's okay to cry cause Cancer sucks..this sucks! But we're here! Please please please call on us to help you fight this fight! Whatever it takes! So pray for our friends! For Nathan to beat this, for Julie to hold up the fort while they all fight this. For their adult kids, who have a hard time imagining their big tough dad, who is untouchable and so strong, be beaten down by such a wicked and mean disease. He is having surgery on Thursday...the odds look good for him..best Dr in the nation is his!

Makes you look at your own mortality...reminds us of how easy and fast life can take a turn for a direction you did not plan. Makes you really stop and look at your own inner circle of family and blessings! How I fear facing these types of things...this is too close to home!~

Mom

this is Mom from Sunday to Sunday this past week. She's slowing deteriorating, but strong as ever and we don't know why.Lyndsey says her last weight was 88 lbs. Some how she feels a need to stick around. I took her to church at their little branch on Sunday. She was not quiet by any means...not even close to being reverent. I don't expect her to really, but this week, well it was almost embarrassing...she was loud and was full of mumbles and attitude! I did make out (very clearly I might add) "I'm going to slap you silly!" I know Mom...go ahead if you need to! I would just rub her hand and her arm in hopes she would relax a bit and quiet down. Guess what the speaker spoke on....Patience! I'm pretty sure it wasn't a lesson meant for Mom! Alright already...I get it...just don't want to! Today, Lyndsey called me to tell me she had tried to wake her to visit and exam her. Mom would not even wake up for her. 2nd time she has done that! She feels like this is another sign of the decline, one day real strong, the next day she needs more sleep. Her vitals remain strong..I just don't get it! Linda asks me about a funeral...do we have to do the whole funeral thing, or maybe just a family gathering. All either of us can come up with is our famous phrase of "I don't know!" She asked me to work on a obituary...just can't put my heart into it...I work better under pressure...like a dead line for the paper! UGH! Many have commented how beautiful Dad's was....we had to cut and edit it so much because of what I had was over $1000....I hate all this! What really are we suppose to be learning here...what and who's lesson is this!

Today was Gramma day for the little ones! Mick & Brandyn went to Brandyn's Grandpa's funeral and took Payson & Talan, but they figured the little ones would be too hard. I was happy to help. We just had a chillaxin day as the kids call it. Just hung at home cause the weather was kind of crappy. Spring is trying to come, but not fast enough! We have a zoo pass to put to use, come on with it already! Kallie and Preslie play pretty well together, but at the stage they have to have what the other one has. They are learning how to share, especially how to share Gramma. Hayden is growing so fast. He's rolling all over the place now. That in itself has made him so much happier. He would just roll from one side of the family room to the other today, over the top of legos, just looking at me, like umm...that doesn't feel very good, but wouldn't cry unless the couch was in his way. When he smiles, his whole body smiles-just can't seem to catch it on camera, the little stink! Preslie was pretty much attached to my leg the whole day. Kallie & Hayden took a long nap and Preslie had me all to her self for a while. She was a happy camper about that and would not let me do any chore around the house, only if she was part of it! Tried to get her to nap with Beauty & the Beast, but no go...but we had fun playing blocks, combing my hair, feeding her baby and reading books. She LOVES the photo books that Mick has given us for the past two Christmas. Mick & Brandyn came by later after they were all done with Brandyn's family stuff. All the kids played outside with Grandma for a few. Pays beat me at basketball by 2, we played duck duck goose on the tramp with the little ones, and then it was time to go! It felt good to be outside in the sunshine even if it was for a short time. I love playing with all the kids! Feel especially blessed to have one of them right here under our roof. I've even become special to her now...for a while, I was just not cool to her! But now we're buddies!

Mom continues to be strong and remains the same...other than I believe she gets smaller by the month. Last weigh in she was 93 lbs. I'm willing to bet she's below that now. I had not seen her for quite some time. Right after my surgery I became sick with such a cough that I did not want to take that to her. Even though the Dr. stated I wasn't contagious, it seemed as if the whole valley had this cough and I did not want to be the one to bring it to her. Besides, for the most part I just didn't feel well! It's hard enough going there, let alone when your not feeling good! So anyways...when Rick & I went to see her a week ago, for the first time in several weeks, I was surprised at how skinny she had become. Each time wondering how on earth she can loose more weight. When she lying down, it's the worst. You wonder how on earth there are even any organs inside her. You can see her skin just wrap around her skeleton! She mumbles alot, some words are words, but none of them are put together in any kind of a sentence, but then she'll bust out a sentence, like "George, where are you, I've been calling you.....and then ramble some more like she's talking to someone. Or she'll sing. It's mostly a mixture of different hymns. That Friday, we went after we had dinner at a nearby restaurant, so it was about 7ish... I was hating it more than ever. Makes me so sad that she is how she is, so unlike my Mom. But when I started to leave, she patted my hand and told me she was okay. "I'm okay, I'm okay..." just like she knew that my heart was breaking inside to watch her decay like this!

Thursday, on my way home from work I received a call from Dale, her daytime nurse to tell my that Mom had asperated. Okay..what does that mean really? He explained that he had gone in to check on her in bed and found that she has aperated and had to suction her out. She was now resting comfortably with oxygen and he had notified hospice. After I picked up Kallie I decided to stop by and check on her. She was sound asleep in bed, propped up at a 30 degree angle, which is basically sitting straight up, her head just kind of bobbling down. Looked so uncomfortable. I asked if that was necessary and they explained it will help her to breath and get the junk out of her system. I held her hand and tried to get her to wake up a little, but no going....pretty normal for her naps. I didn't stay long. I did go to the head nurse Shawn and asked him to explain in normal terms what all this means and he just said that she basically choked on her own fluids, that you can hear that in their lungs immediately and now we would watch for the phenomia. He then said you will need to make the decision if we will treat it with antibiotics and I stopped him right there stating we have already made that decision and will not. Then he reassured me that it would be a peaceful way to go...really...Dad's wasn't so peaceful-but probably because he had so many other ailments! But anyway...that's the plan if it happens. Lyndsey, our hospice nurse called me on Friday and explained to me that Mom was doing great, her oxygen was over 95% and she is same as ever. She never ceases to amaze any of us! Mom is just not ready to go! I asked if the phenomia would hit that quickly and she said mostly yes, but it could take a few days and that she would watch her closely over the weekend. She left instructions to check her lungs daily. I went in on Sunday and asked the nurse if she had checked her lungs and she had no idea of what I was talking about. Yea, that's a surprise....not! I expected to hear from Dale today, but I didn't. I probably should have called, but I had the kids today and just didn't think about it until his shift was over. I'll call tomorrow. Yesterday, I found her in her room about 1030 am. I tried to get there in time for church, but I was too late. Could have made it a little bit late, but she still had breakfast all over her and needed to be cleaned up so I just took care of that for her. They have a big bib made out of a large towel that goes over her head that was covered in juice and egg. Aide no where around...Rick just laughs and says they saw me coming! I didn't even get mad this time, doesn't do any good. I just cleaned her up myself. I believe I'm the only one who cleans her wheel chair. She's a messy eater, so I just don't get why they don't make it part of the duty as they take care of her, it would be so simple...but apparently not! She gets so mad when you try to change her, clean her up or make any changes. She really fights you. She's real strong! When she grabs you, she holds on for dear life. I had the nurse come in and check her lungs because she was coughing and sounds congested. She could hear the congestion in her upper bronchial, but not in her lungs. We'll see how that goes. I can't get Mom to smile very often, especially when I pull the camera out. She looks at it as such a foreign object. Probably hates the flash! But I kissed her on the cheek and she just laughed and that's how I got this giggle! She thought I was pretty funny! I miss my Mom!