Karen & Dale came into town to work on getting a business off the ground. Saturday they stopped by so we could go see Mom together. Mom's continuing to deteriorate....Dale, the daytime nurse at Crossland told Linda on Friday that he gives Mom about 3 weeks.... why 3...I don't know....don't know what to think about any of it, but I do know that each time I see her, there's a change. Since Christmas she has lost the ability to feed herself. It's as if she doesn't understand the concept of taking the food to her mouth. If handed the cup, she will basically just throw it all over you, or swat you with it, so we're sure to keep it out of her reach as we feed her. They feed her pureed food from a cup and have to remind her to swallow. Honestly...this makes me crazy. Why do we do this...is it really humane...or is it the body trying to say, enough already...I'm done! They don't force feed her, she will open her mouth and partake...I guess when she doesn't do that we'll stop...I guess! There will be no feeding tubes. They have had to suction her 3 times this past week. Dale says it's because she forgets to swallow and allows her own saliva to build up, then she chokes on it, kind of like drowning. EEWWEE! I stopped by on Friday on my way home from work. The hospice aide just arrived to sponge bathe her. I told her to go ahead with her duty and I watched. Something I could have done without! I saw her bare feet for the first time in a long while...her toe nails were like long fingernails, and yellow and her feet are discolored...the best way to describe them...like they were dead! The nurse says this is another sign of end of life, the body's blood circulation works toward the center of the body instead of the extremities. She has two open sores on her bottom that the aide showed me as well...another sight I could have down without. I asked for it....but man...the way the body deteriorates...another EWEEE! Mom doesn't look at us much, and when she does, she really isn't looking at us...seeing right past us. Wish I could see what she sees! I ask myself daily...what am I learning from this besides the fact that I'm not in charge and it's all about the Lord's time, not mine! It's not fair and it makes me so sad to see her locked in this shell that only resembles a little bit of who she was! I try to show her that I love her, in spite of the fact that she's gone.....but honestly...this disease makes me mad! Why does she hang on so and Nathan has to go!
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